Lost

I’m a person who loves to do these things and lately who has been doing less and less of:

Read - I love to read. Any person who knows me can testify to that. Usually, after reading a book or a novel, I will have this “tingling” feeling. For sure booklovers out there will agree with me when I say that reading a book gives them a sense of pleasure or satisfaction. Some people may not understand the joy that a book gives us. Lately though, reading seems so hard for me. Usually I can finish a book in one seating of about three to four hours, but now, I can’t even finish a book in a month! And it doesn’t give me the usual feeling I have after reading. It fails to uplift me, which usually happens after I’ve read a book. Now after finishing a book, I can’t even remember what it was about.

Think - I love to think. I like to analyze and evaluate things. As a matter of fact, it is one of my favorite pastimes when I’m traveling to and from work, or gimmick or wherever it is that I’m going or coming. I like to ponder about the simplest things like, a TV show, or a book, to the more important things like, my career plans, my plans to go abroad, and other stuffs. But lately, it’s like I’m having some sort of “mental block”. I can’t think, I can’t imagine, I can’t even daydream!

Going out with friends - Now, this is one of my favorite, favorite, favorite things in the whole world! I love going out with my friends, to see a movie, have dinner, go out of town, anything, just to spend time with them and bond. Recently though, we haven’t seen each other for quite sometime. Well, it could be due to the fact that we’re all busy with work, but then again, before no matter how busy I am, I always make sure to organize or plan even a simple dinner with them at least once a month. And I so miss them. I feel that I’m missing some important things that are happening to them. Maybe it could also be due to the fact that I don’t want to drag them down into whatever I’m feeling or not feeling right now.

Pray - Wherever I am, whatever I’m doing, however I’m feeling, I always find it a comfort to talk to Him. Sometimes I just blabber to Him whatever’s on my mind or when I’m too happy and can’t contain all my happiness inside. Then there are times when I ask Him for advice or guidance on whatever I’m going through. Or sometimes, when the sorrow or pain is too deep, I just go to a church and have a good cry without saying anything at all. It’s like He’s my personal companion who is always there to listen, to help, to guide and one who will never go away, too. Sadly, there haven’t been enough conversations between us lately. My fault though. Because, I know that He will always be there, willing to listen to me, to help me. To just plain love me, imperfections and all.

I don’t know what happened to me or what’s happening to me. And that's what makes it harder. I don't really know what I want or what I feel that's why I don't know what I'll do to get out of this, this void, or this phase, or whatever this is. It’s like I’ve become an empty person with no passion for anything at all. It’s like I wake up each morning just to go to work and nothing else, then go home at the end of the day to sleep. Then I would wake up on weekends, sit around for a while then sleep again. I’m like a robot programmed to perform tasks without me knowing what it’s for. Like a machine without it’s own mind, who can’t feel, who can’t function on it’s own, who is not real.

I feel so lost.

Confused.

There are times when I feel like I’m caught in the middle of the road, wondering where to go or what to do, while the people around me are rushing, running to live their lives. While I, I’m just standing there, so still, not even the strongest current can take me away from where I’m standing. Not daring to move for fear of losing myself in the crowd.

I’m afraid of my existence becoming void and meaningless. I’m afraid that my dreams would stay that way. Dreams. I’m afraid that everything I’ve worked so hard for before would all become for naught.

I hate this feeling of nothingness.

Of hopelessness.

Of emptiness.

Of loneliness.

I’m scared.

So scared.

God, I'm so scared.