What kind of fool am I...

Disclaimer: Mushy blog entry ahead. Author will not be responsible for any distaste or repulsion you'll feel afterwards.


"Mare, tao ka ba?"

Those words were uttered by a person I formerly consider a friend...okay, just kidding, she's still a friend. She said that because we were chatting about our love lives (or lack thereof, in my case...) and I happen to mention that I don't even have a crush right now. And, my dear friend could not believe it.

She then asked me if i'm looking around. And I told her, "I go out, I always go the bookstore, i'm a Starbucks regular, I go out with my friends and their friends, but i'm not really, you know, looking around."

But, really, what can I do? What, i'll force myself to like someone even if I really don't? Carry around a banner that says "Hey, i'm looking for a boyfriend, want to apply?". What can I do if no one catches my attention? What can I do if my heart doesn't flutter or do sommersaults when a certain person passes by? Am I not normal then?

Ehem. Okay, honestly speaking, I sometimes ask myself that same question. There are times when i'm doubting my own self when it comes to that aspect. And sometimes I would also wonder if i'm truly capable of loving someone in a romantic way. Well, it also adds that most of my friends are either getting married, in a relationship, or are more than eager to be in a relationship. So it really makes me ask myself sometimes, "What kind of fool am I, who never falls in love?". But then, after some thinking and wondering, the sensible part of me would tell the romantic part of me that, yes I am capable of loving someone, it's just that he's not here yet.

And I believe its true. I don't believe that love can be forced, it just happens. We can't even choose who to love, our hearts makes that decision for us. I also believe that it happens when it should happen, even if we don't want it to. Even if in our life plan we're not supposed to fall in love until the age of thirty, when our hearts decide that it's time, then it's time.

So I guess, it's really just not yet time for me to fall in love. Maybe my God's gift is still a work in progress, just like me, that's why God isn't leading us to one another yet. Or maybe, we both still have a lot of other things to do before we meet. Or maybe, fate is making us wait in order for us to fully appreciate the gift of one another. Whatever the reason may be, he's just out there. And when it's time for us to meet, then the entire universe will conspire to make us meet and fall in love.

So mare, to answer your question. Yes, i'm perfectly human. It's just not yet time.