It’s raining. And once again, I’m feeling sad. Then I thought of you. I wondered where you are now. How you’re doing, if you’re alright. But then I told myself, of course you’re alright, you’re with Him. As a matter of fact, you’re doing just fine and it’s me who can’t seem to find a way to accept that you’re already gone.
I sat in front of the computer thinking of surfing the net to pass the time. Instead, I find myself writing this. I don’t know why. I guess it’s time. It’s time for me to accept it, say goodbye, and move on.
I’m mad at you. I’m mad at you because you left us just like that. You left without saying goodbye. We did not even know it was coming. You did not give us time to prepare ourselves and come to terms with your leaving. You just went in the middle of the night. You didn’t even wait till we get there. You didn’t even wait for Papa. Just like so many times before, you have been selfish. You only thought about yourself. You did not think what will happen if you left. How could you just leave? How could you? How could you?
No. No, I’m sorry. I don’t want to be mad. I guess you can just call it self-preservation. To numb myself from the pain, I hide behind the feeling of anger.
No, I’m not mad. If I would be honest with myself, I would say that what I’m really feeling is not anger but regret. A deep and tremendous regret. Regret for all the things that I failed to say and things that I failed to do. Sad isn’t it that I’ve only come to realize things when it’s already too late.
Sometimes I would think that it’s good that you did not went through so much pain before you passed away. But there are also times that I wish you had stayed a little bit longer and gave us time to prepare ourselves, a chance to say a proper goodbye. Then I would also be able to say I’m sorry.
I’m sorry because you’re already gone before I realized what you are to me. You have already left before I realized that you are also important to me. I did not give you any importance before because of my pride. But can you blame me? Everybody knows that we don’t really get along well. We never really had a peaceful and loving relationship, you and I. We have had a lot of bad things that happened between us and I let my hatred for you get the better of me. But I don’t want to dwell on that anymore. I’ve dwelled in the past for much too long already.
When we left and moved to our own home, I did not come visit you as much as I should, always making excuses not to. And when I do come for a visit, I’m always in a hurry to leave. I did not even come visit when you were hospitalized for two weeks. Even during last Christmas, and it turned out to be your last.
Until now, there are times when I would find myself asking if you’re really gone, never to be seen or talked to again. Somehow it still seems so unreal. And there are times when I still find it hard to imagine that when we come visit, you wouldn’t be there anymore and no one will be standing at the gate to wave goodbye. That no one will call on Valentine’s Day and demand that we give her a rose. Or at her birthday and ask us to greet her. It still makes us laugh, you know. I remember this one time when you bought a single rose, then gave it to Jocelyn, and asked her to give it to you. That one really made us laugh and we didn’t realize just how much you’ve wanted to feel special. And you know what? Last Valentine’s Day, there must have been two dozens of roses at the altar. Just for you.
A week after we had you cremated, we went to your house to visit Lolo. While there, Papa decided to fix your things. It was hard. I made several trips to the washroom to cry. Then I came across your photo albums. Majority of the pictures there were only of five persons, Lolo, Papa, Tito, Jocelyn, and me. There were baby pictures of me, when I don’t even have a copy for my own. Then I saw pictures of you and Jocelyn in a studio and I remembered the time when you would go the studio every week just to have your pictures taken.
I’ve had a chance to talk to one of your neighbors. She told me that one time before, her nephew is looking for an accountant and you told her that I am one. Then you went on bragging to her how good I am. She said that you were always like that. You’ll brag about my achievements to anyone who’s willing to listen and every opportunity you get. Were you really that proud of me? It made me smile then I cried. I don’t think I deserve it. It made me feel more guilty.
My birthday has passed. We didn’t have any kind of celebration because your forty days isn’t over yet. It made me remember my birthday a few years back. I remember we had a fight a week before and yet, you made a fruit salad for me on my birthday. Then, when we transferred to our own house, you’ll call me to greet me, even if you had to call several times if I’m not home yet. You won’t stop until you have talked to me and greeted me. But this year, there was no call from you. And somehow, it made me sad and my birthday incomplete.
You didn’t have an easy life. You’ve been through a lot. More, instead of giving you a little reason to smile, we, your grandchildren added to your disappointments. Instead of loving you and showering you with affection and attention, we turned away from you. We took you for granted. Now, no matter how hard we try to show our appreciation, it will be too late.
The only consolation that we have is that at least now, you wouldn’t be able to feel pain anymore. You won’t go through so much hardship anymore. You are already at peace.
I don’t know what’s the point of writing this. You wouldn’t be able to read this anyway. Or will you?
But Mommy, in case you do get to read this, I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being everything you were because if it weren’t for that, we wouldn’t be what we are now. Somehow all the things that happened have helped us to become the persons we are now. Better ones, I would like to believe. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for everything that you have done for us, for everything that you have given us.
I’m sorry too. For everything bad that happened to us. For taking you for granted. For not loving and taking care of you enough. I’m sorry too that I wasn’t able to give you a good life, even for a short while.
And ‘my, it may be too late, but yes, I do love you too. And somehow I’m glad that you finally found the peace that you’re looking for.
Goodbye ‘my.
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