So, which is which? I guess it's which.

Tired.

I guess too much work is finally catching up on me. But i'm not complaining, at least I have work especially in these trying times. Plus it helps me not to think too much about certain things, otherwise I would not just be tired but sad too. And I certainly don't need that.

Or maybe, maybe i'm feeling tired because I am sad. Maybe that is my mind's way of telling me that hey, you have to slow down, stop ignoring me, sit down and face what's really bothering you. But I don't have to sit down and think hard anymore because I think subconsciously I have already made a decision. It's the "accepting it" part that I guess i'm trying to delay as much as possible because then it would feel... final.

I really am trying so hard to be mature about things but sometimes, you know, it's just so damn hard. I have always wanted this one thing, always, always. So I think I have the right to be depressed because it seems that each time i'm so close to getting it, each time it also manages to slip right out of my hands. I want it so very much that sometimes I feel that everything I do, everything I am, the way I live my life, it's all just to achieve this one thing and yet... damn it.

But still, i'm not losing hope. I just have to have faith. I just have to have faith.

I just have to have faith.