Chasing Rainbows

It’s been a long time (and I’m talking about years here) since the last time that I really liked a guy. By a real guy I meant someone who is just an ordinary guy, not a celebrity nor a character in a book or in a movie. And when I say I really liked, it means that whatever i’m feeling has the potential to develop into something more. If I’d like to be real honest with myself, I’d say that the last time I felt like this was when I was starting to fall in love with Unreciprocated. I recognized the feeling from the first moment that I felt it and it scared me. Humor me and let me share with you a brief story about Unreciprocated just so you’d understand a bit more of what I’m trying to say.

I’ve met Unreciprocated in college. He was a friend, well not a really close friend and as what I like to say, he’s not a first degree friend, just a second degree friend. Anyway, so at first I just had a crush on him and I thought that it was just that, a crush but then, as time passes by, i’m starting to realize that what I’m feeling for him is growing into something more until one day, I just realized that I was already in love with him. I knew it was love because, despite being aware of all the not so good things about him, I still like him. Despite knowing that he’d never really like me the way that I like him, I continue to love him. Despite him having a girlfriend the love and the hope that’s in me never faltered. He made me very happy and very sad all at the same time. With him, i’ve experienced how it is to love and how it is to feel pain. The kind of pain that really hurts so much that you’d feel some kind of a physical pain somewhere in the region of your heart. I can’t remember the number of times when I’ve said that I don’t love him anymore. I’ve said it so much that my friends (talking about first degree friends) refuse to believe me anymore. And all through out college, there’s only been him. There were other crushes of course, but no one who came as close. Even a couple of years after college, it’s still him. I remember the time that he and his girlfriend announced that they were getting married, I thought I was fine. Then for several months I felt sad and really, really down for reasons that I could not figure out. One Friday night, I chanced upon a concert of Regine Velasquez on TV and I remembered something that he said about Regine’s gown for that concert and suddenly the thought that he’s getting married popped into my head then I just cried. As in cried, it was like a water dam that suddenly opened up. That was when I realized that the reason why I was so sad the past months was because my dream to be with him will never ever come true. That it was time to let go and move on with my life. That was the time when I finally, really started to let go of him and started the process of moving on.

And after several years, here I am again, on the verge of repeating the same thing all over again. I’m starting to feel something for a guy who is single, yes, but who is so very much in love with another girl. And as early as now, with my feelings so new, I’m starting to feel pain. Can you imagine that? Don’t you just want to smack me in the head? I promised myself before that I would not permit myself to love and not be loved in return ever again. I promised myself that the next time I fall in love it would never be unrequited anymore. I promised myself that the next time, I’d only love someone who would love me much more that I love him. Then what am I doing now? I already know that no matter how much happiness that loving a person brings, not being loved in return hurts so much more. I already know that it’s foolish to hope for things which I’m aware will never come true. I already know that loving another person so much won’t make them love you in return. After going through all those things with Unreciprocated, I don’t want to go through all that one more time. I want to know how it would feel like to love someone who is also in love with me. I want to experience how it is to be in a relationship where both parties are in love with one another, not a one-way thing. I want to feel the kind of love and happiness that I see with my friends, my officemates, and others that I see around me. I want to be loved and not just the one who loves.

You know what really makes me sad? In spite all these, in spite knowing what’s in store for me, somehow, something is telling me that no matter how much I want things to be different, there’s no way I could stop myself from completely falling in love with this guy. And there’s really nothing left for me to do but pray that I would be able to go through all this a second time.