So What Happens Now?

I've been out of work for about two weeks already. I've resigned from my previous job because I thought that I would be able to leave the country around this time, so two months ago I have filed my resignation which turned out be a not so wise decision.

The full impact of my being unemployed hit me when I was on my way home on my last day at work. Till then, I never realized just how scared I am of not knowing what's going to happen in the days to come. Want to know how scared I was? I was crying all the way from MRT Guadalupe station until I got home which is worth around two hours travel time. And then again before I went to sleep that night, and towards the following day, I still had my moments.

Frankly, i've never been this uncertain in my life, which is probably the reason why i'm close to breaking down. I've had a life plan ever since I was in high school. Though things doesn't always go according to plan, at least I have a plan. I know what i'm going to do next or which goal I would work on achieving or an alternative should my other choice does not work out. Not like this. I feel totally helpless. I don't feel any energy coming out of me to do things. I don't have the inclination to look for a job though I know I should. It's like standing on a crossroad and being totally clueless as to which road to take. Ant it scares me. Not just the fact that i'm so indecisive but I also seem to have lost my desire about certain things in my life. Sometimes I even dare ask or question God if He'll ever give me that one thing that I want the most. They say that you only have to want something so much and the whole universe will conspire to make it happen. Then why the hell can't I have the only thing that i've ever wanted since I was a child? I really can't understand why getting or achieving it seems to be so hard. Everything i've worked for, everything i've slaved for, is all for achieving this dream of mine so I really can't understand why it has to be so hard. It really hurts a lot. It really, really, really hurts a lot that I sometimes think about just giving it all up. But I know that to give up means accepting defeat and I can't. At least not yet.

Somewhere in the deep recesses of my heart, I know that God is just testing my faith but sometimes, when the feeling of frustration and desperation is so strong, I tend to forget about that because it is easier to give way to these feelings reather than look for and understand the reasons why. Sometimes it's plain easier to be just human.