Unmasked

Last night I had dinner with two of my best friends and one of them was telling us stories about her boyfriend. Looking at her, I can clearly see how happy and in love she is. That moment I believed what they say about how your eyes sparkle and your smile is brighter when you’re in love because I saw it in my friend. Admittedly I felt a bit envious of her, the green-eyed monster have shown his head for a moment in my head.

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for her, I truly am. Especially so that I know how their story started, of what she went through before they were finally together, and because we have dreamed together of all five of us someday finding love. But somehow it made me wonder and ask if I’ll ever feel the way that she’s feeling. Will there ever come a time when my friends would look at me and see how happy and in love I am? Will there ever come a time when I would be the one telling my friends about my blockbuster love story? Actually, I seem to be feeling that a lot lately as most of my closest friends seems to have been bitten by the love bug.

I know that God has a master plan for me and that He will grant me His gift when the right time comes. And I know that right now, there are other things that I should focus on. But sometimes things happen that makes me feel not okay. Things happen that makes me think and realize and feel that something is missing. Fine, I’ll admit it, most of the time I could make myself believe that I’m okay, okay. I could fool myself into believing that my family, friends and career is enough. I’ve even convinced myself that I’m really not yet ready to have a romantic relationship. But if I would really look deeper into myself, I would find a girl who’s really desperate to love and be loved. That somewhere deep within me exist someone who needs to feel special. That deep inside of me is a longing to feel cherished, taken care of, and loved. I also need to feel how it's like to have someone to hold my hand, have dinner with, to engange in silly conversations, take a walk with, or simply to be with doing nothing at all. And sometimes when I find myself alone, I would feel how empty and lonely my life seems to be, and I would just cry. I could imagine myself with a brilliant career, traveling wherever and whenever I felt like going, having dinner with my friends at posh restaurants but still I cry. I cry because in all those scenarios, i’m all by myself. And honestly, I’m afraid of that happening. I’m afraid of being successful and alone.

I’m tough. I could survive without a guy in my life, I know I can. I don’t need a guy to make me feel complete, I should be the one to complete myself. I’ve always told my sisters, cousins, and friends that when it comes to love, it just isn’t the heart that should decide but also the mind. And I still believe all those things and I think I’ll always will. But underneath all that tough persona is still a woman full of longing and yearning for that someone who’ll put a sparkle in her eyes, a smile on her lips and happiness in her heart.