October 31, 2006; 8:10 AM

To Find You (Jewel)
Mouth (Merril Bainbridge)
Doesn't Really Matter (Janet Jackson)
The First Cut Is The Deepest (Sheryl Crow)
Weak (Jojo)
Rain (Madonna)
Time Will Reveal (Boyz II Men)
Underneath It All (No Doubt)
One Sweet Day (Mariah Carey feat. Boyz II Men)


Here I am again, feeling sad for no apparent reason at all. I've been like this since last weekend. I'm moody, irritable, grouchy, basta, ang sungit ko!

Actually, I don't really know how i'm feeling. Kung nalulungkot ba 'ko or naiinis or masama ang loob, siguro a combination of those three. Feeling ko, ang dami-daming tumatakbo sa isip ko kaya halo-halo din ang nararamdaman ko. Last Sunday, while praying in church, I don't know what I will tell Him first, seems like my the words would like to come out of my mouth all at once so I ended up asking Him to just help me be strong. To give me more patience and understanding and to stop hating all those people that caused me pain, kasi nakakapagod ding magalit. Parang it's the one that's preventing me from being happy. I put too much time and effort in hating those people and in the end, ako din ang talo. And by allowing that hatred reside in my heart and mind, i'm also giving them too much power to control me and my life. Parang my world revolves around hating them na lang. It also drains all my energy that's why i'm feeling tired and burned out all the time. Though sometimes I really can't help but feel sad and dissappointed because it really hurts more when the people who caused you pain are those who you least expect to do you bad.

Before, I want those people to feel the pain that i'm feeling, gusto ko silang sigawan, sumbatan, awayin, ibalik sa kanila lahat ng galit at sama ng loob na binibigay nia sa 'kin. But now I realized na wag na lang, wala din namang mangyayari, hindi naman nila naiintindihan because their actions are ruled by the hatred and greed and envy that surrounds their hearts and minds. I just want all of these to be over and then I want them out of my life. I don't ever want to see them again, because i'm really better off without them. I don't need the kind of people who instead of helping me become a better person, they're the ones whose dragging me down.

I just pray the God will grant me the strength and understanding to just let it all go. That He will grant me the strength to forgive those people and move on. It'll probably take some time though, but I hope it'll be sooner kasi ayoko na talaga, pagod na kong magalit.